7 Ways to Help Your Child Feel Special, not Special Needs, and What’s in it For You

Behavioral and academic problems can wear on a family. The focus is so often on what isn’t working and how we need to improve this or that about our children. Parents often get caught up in how their children reflect on them as parents, what grades the kids are getting, and how difficult it is just to sit down for dinner. In some families there is disagreement about what is going on – is it a parenting issue, a school issue, a neurodevelopmental or sensory issue, a chemical imbalance, or just plain obstinacy on the part of the child? The answer to this question is probably multifaceted, but regardless of the cause, one of the solutions is for your child to know and be reminded in action and words that s/he is special and loved just the way s/he is.Now, please understand, I know from personal experience, it is not always easy to feel sweet and warm toward your child. I have plenty of experience with frustration and exasperation and downright fury. However, it still applies that as difficult as it may be, it is imperative that you – as parents – separate the child’s behavior from his/her beingness. They are lovable people, special and unique in their own right, AND you don’t have to like or promote their behavior. You can search to find ways to support them to behave and learn with greater ease. You have done that because you have found HANDLE®, which for many of you has eased the difficulties your child faces significantly. This is separate and distinct from acknowledging your love and your support for them as human beings.I remember when my kids were young and we would be playing or just around each other, I would sometimes look at them in the middle of nothing really going on and clap and say “ Yeah, (child’s name) Yeah… you are being a great you!” They would smile and laugh and clap. It was a fun game, and I was telling them something very important.Your child doesn’t really get that all your research, taking them to therapies, trying new parenting styles and just the act of NOT acting on your anger impulses are all expressions of your love for them. And, I acknowledge you for all of that. It is important to recognize yourself as well, pat yourself on the back – that is not patronizing; truly you are awesome in what you do for your kids. If you are parenting together with someone, take the time to acknowledge all they are doing too. Blaming each other doesn’t really help or encourage collaborative conversation. Give each other appreciation as well as working together to find the best strategies.What your child needs is direct evidence in action and word that s/he is special and loved by you just the way s/he is. Yes, including all the inappropriate behavior and frustrating nights of homework, they are valuable and lovable just the way they are. Don’t we all want to know that – from our parents, our spouses or partners, our friends, and ultimately, from ourselves? You have an opportunity each day to give your child the gift of acceptance. It is much easier to change something you are DOING when you feel you are an ACCEPTED being.What happens when a person feels accepted and loved? They tend to be more cooperative, to listen more, to be more available and mostly to trust you more. That makes your life better! Most of your kids are working really hard at life, harder than you may realize. To really experience that in spite of all the ways they fall short (in their minds, the school’s interpretation or in your eyes), they are lovable people and they can count on you in their corner, creates a foundation of positive self-esteem that creates greater resilience and empowerment. It will make you feel stronger too when you see that you can give something to your child that makes a positive difference every day.Here are 7 simple things you can do to let your child know s/he is special and lovable. For more ideas check out Vicky Lansky’s 101 Ways to Make Your Child Feel Special. Do something each day. Get creative, little things go a long way, just like Gentle Enhancement®! Remember to keep these actions self-contained. In your mind and in your action separate these from what they do and all the things you wish were different. It isn’t effective if it is “You are a great person, but I wish you would….”Rather than attach these as a reward for positive behavior or academic success, allow these to be things you do independently and sometimes spontaneously, just to say, “ I love you, you are dear and special and valuable because you are you.”Let me know how it goes with your children. Please share more ideas you have so we can build a long list of ways to demonstrate our underlying feelings of gratitude and love for our children.

1. Leave a note in places your child regularly goes that says something encouraging such as, “I am always here in your heart.” or “You are a special kid, just because you are you!” or “Thanks for being my daughter, I love you.”

2. Together plant a special part of the garden for him/her. Call it by their name, let them pick out plants, flowers or a small tree and take time to take care of it together (don’t let this become another chore, you can care of it just as you do the rest of the garden if they don’t want to.)

3. Buy a balloon and write or draw pictures on it and leave it for them in their room.

4. Look at old pictures or keepsakes together – your parents' jewelry or pictures of you when you were a child are often great ways to show your child they are special, you sharing you with them.

5. Reserve time to be their 'choice time' – it can be 5-10 minutes or a half a day – they choose the activity as long as it stays within do-ability and not hurting anyone guidelines, and you do it with them.

6. For young children let them choose between two choices you are fine with – could be clothing for you to wear, them to wear, something to eat, where to sit or which direction to go to the store.

7. Post a picture of them on the frig or a door or the bathroom mirror and write qualities you treasure about them and appreciate about them on it – can be something they do or can be qualities like “caring”. Add more occasionally in a different color Sharpie.

8. Bonus – because I just can’t stop…….Tell them, or write to them regularly – that you love them just the way they are, even though you argue sometimes, you love them and appreciate them. When you do discipline with them, remind them this is about what they are doing that is not okay or needs to improve/change. Who they are inside is fine and this is a lesson they need to learn out here. Obviously, this will look different for different ages, but the message is the same.

HAVE FUN LOVING YOUR KIDS!