Behavior IS Communication

I have a new article at Positively Parenting.

Your daughter is having a tantrum, you have some place to be and she is screaming and unwilling to cooperate. Your incredibly intelligent son keeps coming home with notes from the teacher that he isn’t paying attention in class or doing his work and he is instigating trouble with his classmates. You are frustrated, perhaps embarrassed, embarrassed that you are embarrassed and clueless as to how to work with your child.

What could these behaviors be communicating?

Learning disabilities and behavioral challenges are frustrating, whether it is a diagnosed condition or an undiagnosed combination of behavioral and/or learning challenges. A child whose daily job it is to focus in a classroom, grasp material in various different subjects and produce work that indicates comprehension and application while getting along with a variety of other classmates, can be enormously discouraged when those expectations cannot be readily met. If schoolwork is hard or if socializing presents a challenge to their systems, they don’t have the time or energy to enjoy their world.

The results are irritability, clownish behavior, depression, anger, arguing and meltdowns at home, health problems, poor school reports and low self-esteem. Every parent sees the potential of their child. Parents also get very frustrated at the uncontrolled behavior, poor achievement and judgment, and lack of focus and motivation they witness in their children. As parents, we have all the best intentions, but we often concentrate on the outcomes we witness and do everything we can to address these unwanted behaviors. Although sometimes helpful, these efforts end up inadvertently making things worse and missing the problem. As parents, we are doing the best we can, but sometimes we just don’t know how to look deeper to find the root causes to effect a lasting change.

Imagine that the behaviors are communicating something from the brain, in the only way the brain can communicate through the body. Look at the behavior as being done for a positive purpose. Positive in the sense of it is the best solution to whatever is going on that the child can come up with in the moment.

For example, consider 8-year-old Justin. He falls out of his chair repeatedly. He plays with the papers on his desk, turning them in circles. He looks around the room and drops his pencil. Not much work is getting done but the other kids are laughing. Justin likes this and continues … you know the rest of the story. Maybe you live the rest of the story. You know the interpretations, responses and results that follow.

Alternatively, let’s say that Justin is moving around in his chair and falling out of it because he is hypersensitive tactically. The chair actually hurts him in very sensitive places (not that he identifies it as pain consciously); his muscle tone is not consistently strong enough to support his body to stay sitting up or to hold a pencil effectively for periods of time. His eyes don’t work together well, so he is turning the page to use his peripheral vision to try to see it clearly so he can do the work. He is confused but doesn’t want to appear so. When he gets attention for what looks like silliness he gravitates towards that instead of continue to struggle to do work he knows he is smart enough to do.

This interpretation puts Justin’s behaviors into a different context, inviting completely different responses and treatment options to assist him to be able to learn and function smoothly in the classroom; keeping his engaging silly side for more appropriate moments. Frustration diminishes for everyone and those who want to help him now can be more effective in doing so. Justin is met where he is at, communication received, and he can find his way to success and positive self-esteem.

Behavior is communication. For individuals with learning challenges, behavior is a clue to the root causes of these challenges.

Once deciphered, these seemingly dysfunctional behaviors provide parents direction so they can meet their children’s needs and empower them to have a better and (more fun) life.